If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
