love makes seman taste better
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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