I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
