As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
