Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
organizing the empties. That sober.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
