Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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