Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize