Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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