apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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