She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
