nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
