Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize