Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
