bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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