I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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