I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
