why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
