this just has baby written all over it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
