Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I CAN MOONWALK!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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