he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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