I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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