dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If I die, sorry about rent.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
