"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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