If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
