ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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