i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
