Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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