So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
