I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
