Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
