using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
