WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
is wine microwaveable?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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