my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
