I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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