Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
