he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
