I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
