Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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