I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize