Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
