Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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