ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
