so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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