theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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