I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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