Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Found the puke drawer
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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