Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
