Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
