I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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