Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
