maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
