Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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