So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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