FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
