My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
