last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
