I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
