Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
