I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
