The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize