cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
