just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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