Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
