did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
