tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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