you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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